The Anarchy of Faith…

I’m not a believer in Jesus or the Christian concept of God.  I don’t believe the bible is the word of God.

I believe in a higher power that I cannot entirely identify.  In a nutshell, the easiest way to understand my belief is the concept of Karma.  Do good things, think good things, and good things will happen.  I believe it’s a function of physics, string theory if you will, that maintains a harmony, a homeostasis within the physical universe.

OK, that’s about as ethereal as I will get on this blog.  Let’s get down to brass tacks.  My failed marriage and my efforts at compromise.  I moved out on Thanksgiving day 2004 and was legally divorced the next year.  I was too immature (at age 31) to choose a mate and I was at a point in my life that I really had no business committing myself to anyone.  I was a sick puppy, emotionally and mentally.  I had/have an allergy to alcohol (and drugs) that cause me to break out in handcuffs.

On the day the Mayan’s predicted the world will end, God (well, you know, my concept at least) willing I will celebrate 5 years of sobriety. That’s a good thing.  What continues to be a challenge is dealing with the wreckage of my marriage.  Without getting into specifics, I am constantly challenged by my expectations with regard to my ex-wife.

I am not in the same financial position she is (long story involving our late son and an inheritance) and therefore am unable to provide the material possessions to our shared children (18 y/o girl, 16 y/o boy) that she is.  In addition to creating a modicum of guilt, it creates an inequity that consciously or not has apparently allowed her to essentially provide for our kids a “home” that I cannot.  I get it too, she provides the money for college, the cars, the clothes…pretty much anything they need financially and dad provides health insurance…and whatever I can spare from my meager earnings.

Before you break out the violins, I’ll cut to the chase.  I can’t compete on the material level, and while I’ve done everything within my power to provide an example for my kids on how to be solid, quality young adults, at the end of the day, they will generally choose the material over the spiritual.  Here’s the deal…I truly harbor no resentments at them, I’d likely do the same.  But what I do hope is that someday in a moment of introspection, they will appreciate the fact that I have been there for them…I’ve been solid where oftentimes the other half wasn’t.  It would make it all worthwhile if someday they expressed to me, not so much appreciation, but just simple recognition that where I couldn’t provide the bling, I provided the emotional security that they needed.

I’m no saint…and any recovering alcoholic will testify to the fact that removing our security blanket can cause moments of madness…I’ve experienced that and my kids have suffered as a result.  But at the end of the day I’ve done the right thing…I’ve fought the good fight.

I’m starting to feel like this narrative is coming across as whiny.  I don’t mean it too.  I want to speak to the other parents of divorced kids who quietly fight the good fight against the odds and yearn for the illusive recognition that may never explicitly come.  The recognition that we ultimately must have the faith that our efforts will manifest itself in the lives of our offspring.  And the hope that we can survive the loneliness and fear that oftentimes accompany doing the right thing.  I have to believe in Karma…and that we will be rewarded.

About Conversations With The Moon

Divorced father of two amazing young adults. College student, plodding away at a liberal arts degree. Formerly a Fire Captain and Paramedic. Dabbler in fashion. Liberal. Believer in Karma. View all posts by Conversations With The Moon

6 responses to “The Anarchy of Faith…

  • coconutspeak

    My father was was an alcoholic as well, but he was unable or unwilling to be as painfully honest as you. He passed away 6 years ago. I really do applaud your bravery. As far as your kids, there will come a time when they have to look at themselves and see the value of character. That’s when you come in.

  • Frank King Photos

    Interesting piece. I have a very different view of karma:

  • kingmidget

    I want to comment more on this later, but there are also those of us who aren’t divorced who are dealing with a similar parental imbalance. It’s one of the reasons I will be leaving shortly. As my kids are now approaching the end of their childhood, my relevance is less and less. I’ve done what I can with the opportunities I’ve had, in the face of the other parent intentionally and unintentionally sabotaging my efforts. I, too, hope that one day, they’ll be able to acknowledge what I did for them. I will, however, never forgive my wife for how hard she has made this for me. OK, maybe there aren’t any other comments necessary.

    • Conversations With The Moon

      Thanks for your comment and I can only say sorry and offer this…as you can see, these raw feelings have not gone away, and I’ve found you can’t change others…so with that said, try not to react. I’ve regretted it every time I have and while it sucks to be in our position, the high road will always pay off…at least I have to think so. Good luck!

  • kingmidget

    Good luck to you as well. I fear sometimes that there is a piece of me that has been lost over the years. That I have become bitter and pessimistic. It’s one of the reasons I do write and blog and I devote more and more of my energy to friends who matter to me. To hold on to that piece of me that matters so much. That I never want to let go. I hope you overcome the loneliness and fear and find that piece of you that is your center that has survived all of it. My biggest fear in all of it … my biggest fear of all is that as time goes on, I’ll lose my kids. I have spent the last seventeen years being a father first. I so fear losing them to the alternative she has offered them. The easier option.

  • butimbeautiful

    I hope so (that your kids will recognise that you’ve been a good father to them in the non-material sense). Even if they don’t,they’ll be better people for it, and karma will work out in that way, if not in the direct way that you hope.

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